Butterfly

Save me,
Little orange butterfly,
I swear you’re
Safe and Sound.
I made a promise
I plan to keep.

Its been two months
and I’m clean.
I feel fine
and like I’m free.
But I still gaze at your picture
and weep,
so I must be weak.

Its been four months
still no cuts,
and I smile at you,
my little orange friend.
I’m doing fine
and I think:
I must be cured!
Still, it’s a bittersweet feeling
as I look your way.

Its been six months,
and your picture has faded.
I try to draw you again,
but my hand is shaking.
Its been so long…
Swore.
I was cured.
Bruises fade
but the cuts leave scars.
I’m disappointed.
Broken.
Wondering where I went wrong.

Little orange butterfly,
Why’d you leave?
Where’d you go?
I asked you to save me,
But you let go,
or I gave up…

Its been one month
without your constant reminder,
and guess what,
I’m doing fine.

Little orange butterfly,
you saved me.
It’s not you,
but myself.

I made a new promise today…
Said I’d do my best,
nothing more.

Its been three months
and I’m clean.

Temporary Love

Dear you,

We haven’t spoken in days and I must say its been nice. I never wanted to know you – or maybe I secretly did – but I do now and I wish I could turn back time. I suppose that’s kind of harsh, but nothing is worse than looking into your curious eyes and knowing that something terrible will build in my stomach, causing excruciating pain. But since I met you that’s all I’ve wanted to feel, twisted as that may be. I find myself stuck with this habit that we have created. Is it a good one? No. However, good decisions were never part of our M.O. We are living in this reality that ends like the villains’ stories in our fairy tales. We’re passing time as we wait for our life to end.

I can’t think of a better way to say “I love you” than continuing this habit. The cut is painful, but inviting, and I can’t seem to stop. It reminds me of a love I’ve always craved and I wonder why people tell me I can’t have you. I guess they hold some wisdom that I’ve allowed myself to be blind to. Because I can’t see any harm coming from this. Though it’s around every corner, waiting to jump out in surprise and rip us from this temporary love we’ve settled for.

I don’t know what the right choice is. Either way, I end up feeling some kind of numb that might never go away. I wish I could ask you why. Why did you choose me? And I forget that I chose you just the same. You are this part of me that I refuse to let go of, for fear of hypothetical situations that in no way turn to my favor. You are the side of me that hides in the dark corner of my mind, because people scare me…and you don’t.

Sincerely,
your best friend

Recovery vs Relapse