Trust

Yesterday I went back to NA. It was terrifying at first. I sat, sipping on coffee, debating whether or not I really needed to be there. But everyone always says: If you’re thinking about going, you probably need to. So I decided to go; one meeting wouldn’t hurt.

As I listened to the first two stories, I became depressed. One guy had just left the Vines after trying to kill himself, and another woman expressed grief about an addict who OD’d two days prior. Why was I here? But the next speaker hooked me in. He spoke like a well-versed motivational speaker. I didn’t want it to end because his words were giving me hope; not only that I could get better, but so could any addict. The longer I sat in that room, the more hope and happiness filled me up. I felt a little bit better. Now I want to continue.

After sharing was over, an addict announced the handing out of chips. Lauren nudged me and told me to grab mine. This little girl was holding a silver, tin bucket filled with different colored chips. She fished out a white one and held it out. I couldn’t help but smile as I took it. 

“Thank you,” I whispered.

I turned the chip over and read the words: Just for Today.

It’s a small promise – to only stay sober today – and you don’t have to worry about tomorrow. 

I kept my chip in my hand the rest of the night; it felt like protection. Standing in the circle as we huddled close and said a few hopeful words, I felt understood. I didn’t see these people as addicts, I saw them as some twisted family. Everyone just wanted to get better, but they didn’t want to – or couldn’t – do it alone. And I’ve felt that way before.

Today is Trust.

Just for Today: I will decide to trust someone. I will act on that trust.

So I’m going to trust that NA will work. I’m going to trust myself to stick with it. I think that’s what I’m most afraid of – not trusting myself to work the program, because I decide that I don’t need it.

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