It was just a day ago that I promised to stay sober. Failure is easy to come by, however, and I’m too familiar with the concept of relapse. As I’ve said before: no one tells you that relapse is so damn easy.

I find myself sitting here as a hypocrite. I’ve reminded the ones I love that drugs only destroy – that you can get clean and live a happy life. Yet here I am, doing the deed of flying high because I have the opportunity. And though today my recovery starts over, I can’t help but feel thankful for the experience. Now I understand why people become so desperate to get their hands on some kind of euphoria. I no longer judge or protest against it.

So mom and dad, if you’re reading this, just know I’m doing my best. I promise I’m doing just fine. And it won’t be this way forever. Please understand, and don’t stop being proud.

And to my brothers, I finally understand. Maybe we’re more alike than you thought. I’d love to sit and chat and recover together, but we no longer talk like we did when we we’re kids. I miss that, even though I don’t ever voice it. Just realize your baby sister is grown, and I will always be here for you, and part with the wisdom I’ve gained, to help you. 

I really think I need my family to get through this. I have a family of my own, composed of friends I admire, but I crave the people of my blood too. I just don’t know where to begin, or how to ease the pain of this new knowledge I’m sure you don’t know. I’m not trying to be a burden. I just think I need you. 

One thought on “Carolina”

  1. After one of my early relapse someone sent this in a text-

    Horses gallop
    Fishes swim
    And addicts use

    I was so relieved when I read it. Relapse was a part of the learning curve for me too. Hope your feeling ok when you read this! Xx


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