I wonder in if we’ve all experienced it at some point in our lives. How many people have stayed silent at 2AM, as life tried to overwhelm them?
I remember sitting on the bathroom floor, my arms pulling knees to my chest, silence eating away at my brain. I told myself I was alone in this pain; that nobody could possibly understand how the dead of night was my enemy. Maybe I was right. I didn’t meet many people who slept on cold tile, as I had. Instead, I met people who searched for happiness in someone else’s heartbeat, and kept getting beat down. I met people who smiled and cracked jokes for people like me. They all had their version of my 2AM silence. These people never showed signs of pain…pain that I understood.
I never was alone. I realized that in 2010, when a sleepover at my best friends house turned into a much needed therapy session. I never imagined that she could feel isolation as our friends surrounded her each day. Cuts on her arms suddenly became a warning sign that too much silence is deadly, and that silence is not restricted to 2AM purges in the bathroom.
She began my search for a cure. I may not have understood how to stop my pain, but I wanted to break the silence for her and any replications I found later in life. That’s why I’m speaking to you now. I never had someone hold my hand as tears dripped off my puffy cheeks. I like to think that if anyone had, maybe I would have stopped before all I knew were scars. But, fighting for a recovery I’m not sure I’ll ever know, drives me to this blog. This idea. And as I sit here now, at 3:30 AM, the silence that once told me I was alone, no longer has a voice.
You can beat it. And if you find yourself stuck in that 2AM silence – remember these words: Hope Is Out There. You’re not alone in your pain. Someone is always there to help, and if you think there’s not, look to this post.